Writing. I need to write again.
So I’ve been kind of taking a vacation from my blog. I’ve been posting from my backlog of posts that were waiting in my ‘pending’ folder, but not adding new ones. I think I kinda needed the break, but I’m running low on posts again and if I want to keep this blog going, I really need to get to writing.
Sadly, my brain has really not been cooperating with me. My head has been all filled up with other stuff going on and I’ve been having a lot of trouble making room in my head for blog thoughts. So, as I do, I’ve decided to do some writing about what’s been happening with me, in the hopes that getting it all out will help me make room in my head for other things. I know, it’s not what I usually post on this blog, but that’s ok. You’ll either read this or you won’t.
So first of all, several weeks ago I was hospitalized for ‘syncope,’ which is to say, I fainted. Also, I twitched for a little bit when I woke up on the floor, and had no idea what that was all about. Turns out, I was extraordinarily dehydrated. Two liters of saline drip later, and I was STILL dehydrated. Also turns out, extreme dehydration can cause convulsions. Yep, I learned things.
Sadly, being uninsured and falling through the many cracks that still exist in the system has made it all so much worse. I might be able to get on medicaid (apparently the business office is working on that, but I have no idea what’s going on), but I’m not feeling hopeful. PA decided to not expand medicaid coverage because there are still a lot of people out there who think that people like me shouldn’t have health insurance. I don’t like those people at all. Oh, and my dad is among them. That’s… kind of awful too.
So now I need to make an extra effort to keep hydrated and it turns out that’s really challenging. I’m not sure if my body isn’t very good at notifying me of my physiological needs or I am really good at ignoring those notifications or some combination thereof (probably a combination of both, really), but it’s been challenging to drink the amount I’m supposed to every day. Also, I’m on a medication that increases my need for water, which just makes it all even more difficult. I am managing, more or less, but it takes deliberate effort every day.
So basically, all that has been thoroughly awful on a number of different levels.
Also on the list of things that are taking up space in my head and causing me pain in my life is the fact that I seem to be all out of friends. I have a SO, which is certainly nice, and some friends in a religious group that I see every few months or so, which is nice when it happens, but I don’t actually have friends to just hang out with. Turns out, I kinda need that. I am very isolated. I live with my SO, I don’t work so I don’t have any coworkers, I rarely go out, I don’t go to social gatherings… there’s just not much with people going on. Often times the only interaction I get outside of my SO is when I ride (which, admittedly, is great, but it often is not very social), and saying “thank you” to a cashier in a store. But friends or a social life or people who will hug me and say “hey, I heard about that hospital thing, want to hang out and be distracted for a while” are just not there at all.
And that’s been pretty awful too. I used to have friends, but they went away. I fear that I am somehow terrible and I can’t keep friends because of that terribleness. I mean, everyone always goes away. It must be my fault. It’s a situation that I don’t know how to fix as meeting people is incredibly difficult, and meeting people when you don’t have friends to meet people through is even more difficult. My response has been to withdraw further which, I know, isn’t exactly a solution.
So that’s my pity party. I’ve been doing my best to cope but I fear my best isn’t actually very good. These are both things that are having a significant impact on my life, that I have limited ability to fix or deal with. It’s been challenging.