Sometimes (a lot of times) (all the time) I feel like there is a vast gulf between me and the rest of humanity. Or at least neurotypical humanity, which seems to be most of them. I’m sure there are many reasons I feel such a disconnect – I am not silly enough to try to claim there is only one “real” reason that is the cause of it all. That said, I think I have figured out one of the reasons I feel such a disconnect.
That reason lies in the effort it takes me to socialize. When it comes down to it, very nearly all human interaction requires HUGE effort on my part. It is extremely normal for me to spend all of my resources managing social interaction to the point of complete and utter exhaustion that requires over 24 hours to recover from. This is the life I live, and it will never change. Going to a religious observance or a LARP takes literally everything I have.
“Simple” things like conversation also take intense effort. I constantly run things through in my head, trying to detect codes or metaphors, decode those codes or metaphors, figure out replies, and how to take the concept of the reply and turn it into words, and how to arrange those words so that they make sense, and how to arrange my facial expression in an appropriate way, and I have to do it all fast enough that the conversation seems normal to them. It’s HARD. Even when I can manage it, it is exhausting and sometimes downright painful.
While I like to socialize one-on-one, even that is often extremely draining. The demands of conversation, of facial expression, of managing the constant bombardment of PERSONNESS that is right there all wears on me. It’s a lot of effort. It’s work.
But the primary point I am trying to make here is that putting lots of effort into socialization and friendship and even just acquaintanceship is normal to me. It’s standard. It’s just what I need to do if I’m going to interact with people.
And here’s the important part – it’s NOT normal to neurotypicals. I think in much of my past I kinda knew that, but it didn’t really sink in. I would ask for a level of effort from other people that was really only a fraction of the effort I put in all the time, and the response would be anger! How dare I ask so much from them! Nor has this been a one-off occurrence. While the response is not always anger, I have definitely gathered over the years that asking people to put in even some of the effort I put in is just asking too much. It’s being unreasonable and demanding.
Sometimes people will speak of putting in lots of effort. And I get confused, because at the very least, what I see is still less, or maybe equivalent to, my standard effort in socialization. I’ll wind up thinking something like “that is a special effort? but I do more work every time we interact.”
I know that socialization isn’t necessarily easy for neurotypicals. “We all find it hard” would be a very predictable but extremely horrible response to this post. Yes, we all find it hard. What I hope you can take from this is that I find it *much harder* than your average neurotypical. I have learned to no longer be shocked when a neurotypical can go to a LARP, and then go do a thing the next day. I cannot. I probably never will.
So yeah. I feel a disconnect. I’m over here and y’all are so far away, sometimes I think it’s no wonder I can’t bridge that gap. And neurotypicals have so many people who are so near, I suppose it is not surprising that most of them have no interest in doing the work required to build a bridge and meet in the middle. (on a side note, neurotypicals have also told me that I should not try to connect with other autistic people, because autistic people would be too rigid and I need people who can flex to my autistic weirdnesses, or something like that. apparently I’m doomed)