Processing

I am going to talk about processing speed YET AGAIN because things have happened in my life YET AGAIN to bring it up, though I suspect they will always happen for the rest of my life.

Before I get into that, though, I want to side track a little bit. I have gathered that one thing people like to read about is autistic perspective. Not only on specific issues and the life (though yes, that is important) but just how we see the world and what just existing is like for us. Which is kind of cool and I like sharing perspective, but is also challenging. I have lived in my own head for my whole life. I have spent exactly 0 years, 0 months, 0 days, 0 hours, 0 minutes, and 0 seconds living in anyone else’s head. So yes, I know all about my own perspective, but what I know much less about is how that is different from neurotypical perspective. There are some things I can figure out are different for me just by looking at behaviors and the like, but there are lots more that I only seem to know about when other people point them out. Sometimes they are expecting something from me that I consider absurd and in discussing it we both learn that it is easy for neurotypicals but difficult for me, or we’ll be having a conversation and I’ll just casually mention something in my head and they’ll respond “wow, that’s totally weird!” or whatever else.

When that happens, I write about it. This helps me to work through it since I do a lot of my processing via writing, and apparently it is useful for other people to read about in order to understand more about autistic perspective. Yay understanding!

So anyway, this is a thing that I have found happens fairly regularly. Sometimes with the same person, over and over and over again. I’ll explain what things are like for me and why I do things the way I do them and they’ll be all “oh, ok, I see” and then a few weeks or months later, it will come up AGAIN. And AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN. Yes, it has gotten a little tiresome for me.

It usually goes like this: someone says something that hits a button or a trigger or something, and I feel hurt. Then I process that for what is, apparently, a Very Long Time (it is not unusual for this process to take weeks). Eventually I bring it up and ask to talk about it, sometimes needing to refresh their memory on the matter since to them it is often ancient history already.

There are usually two phases of response to this, one which varies wildly and the other which is pretty consistent. The first is just their response to me saying I am hurt or upset about the thing. Ideally they will be willing to sit down and talk with me and listen to my perspective about why and how it was icky to me and we work it out (happily, that is what happened the most recent time. sometimes people get very resistant to working it out or hearing me out which is a problem in and of itself).

The next part is always, ALWAYS, about the fact that I “waited” so long to talk about it. Sometimes people get upset with me or accuse me or “bottling things up” or being stubborn or something, and other times people just request that I bring things up right away when something hurts or bothers me.

And then it’s all kinds of uncomfortable, because honestly, I cannot do that. I rather wish I could, it sounds like people would respond much better if I did. But that just really, seriously, is not how I work and I cannot make myself work that way.

Instead I have to process. First, I have to notice that I am upset. This is usually pretty quick, but when I was younger it could take a while. Then I have to connect that emotion to it’s cause – the thing someone said or did. Usually it starts off fairly broad (“something about that makes me feel icky”) and then I have to work through exactly what it is that tweaked me (“oh, this word hit this trigger so when they said these words I actually heard that message which may or may not actually be what they meant”). Then there is a period of working through what I feel and whether or not I can work through the upsetness on my own. If I can, I don’t bother to bring it up because it just doesn’t seem worth it. If I can’t, then yes, I’ll bring it up as a thing to talk about. This is not a quick process. If there is something going on in my life that is demanding my processing power, then it can take even longer.

To make it more specific – the most recent example of this was with my psychiatrist. We were talking about ativan and how I was sometimes tempted to take it while I was dealing with my cat Genzi’s cancer because of how overwhelming and stressful and awful it all was. In that conversation (which happened over email), at one point she mentioned that dealing with stuff like that builds resilience. This happened to hit a trigger of mine and tweaked me kinda hard. Weeks later, when we were meeting in person, I finally brought it up, saying:

In an email convo about ativan we had several weeks ago, you said “the act of coping through tough periods builds resilience.” Only I heard “you are weak and need to be stronger so that you can stop being weak!” I really hope that’s not what you meant and I know this is a trigger point for me, but I’m hoping you can give me more words to clarify and reassure me that’s not what you meant. Unless it is what you meant. In which case, maybe nevermind.

Then we talked about it. Yay! Turns out that weak thing was totally not what she meant, and I talked a little bit about how I have a very sensitive trigger there and how it hit that trigger. THEN she brought up the thing about how she wants me to just bring things up right away instead of “waiting.” *sigh*

I know I’m saying this over and over and over again. Autistic people in general are often saying this over and over and over again. But seriously – we need time to process. I often go more slowly than other people in conversations. I take more time to think through things, and I need more time to find my words. Sometimes a LOT more time. Sometimes weeks. It’s not because I’m “waiting” or “hiding things” or whatever else. It’s because it takes me a while.

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1 Comment

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One response to “Processing

  1. Miss Kitty

    I totally understand you on this one. Sometimes at work, my boss will come and talk to me about something, and I will be nodding and doing my best just to take in what he’s saying (I don’t process verbal so well), and only after he’s gone can I sit down and sort out what it is that he’s actually said and how I feel about it. So I will send him an email with my thoughts or feelings, and he will be ‘Why didn’t you bring this up before?’ Because I can’t process ideas or thoughts while you are talking, that’s why! While someone is talking, I am merely trying to catch enough of the words to be able to make sense of them later. It’s the same at brainstorming meetings. It’s always after the session has finished that I get my best ideas, and people ask why I didn’t bring it up at the time. Because I don’t work like everyone else, that’s why! When I was a teenager, I found that playing the piano was incredibly helpful to me in helping to sort out feelings and emotions. If I was feeling all knotted and confused, I would sit down on the piano and bash out songs for hours on end. I always seemed to pick songs that reflected how I was feeling at the time, e.g. sad songs if I was feeling sad. It wasn’t just the music itself that helped, but reading the words of the songs helped me to process what it was that I was feeling. I just wish others could realise that not everyone ticks the same way. I have sent some of your articles on to a few friends, I find that you explain things so much better than I can, so thank you very much!