Binding made my dysphoria worse

I really want to talk about the overlap between autism and trans people. Because there is a distinct overlap, and because I exist on that overlap.

So to sum things up quickly – there is an elevated number of autistic people among people who do not identify as their assigned sex, and there is an elevated number of trans people who are autistic. 

This is fascinating, and I really want to talk about it. I don’t just want to write an essay about it, though. I want to find specific things to talk about. And since this is just my lived experience – I literally don’t know any other way of being – it’s kind of hard for me to figure out what, exactly, to talk about.

That said, I thought of something!

A little bit of explanation first; my apologies if you already know this stuff, I’m just trying to be thorough. 

In general, trans masculine people (such as myself) have chest dysphoria. We developed breasts we didn’t want in puberty, and it’s hard to deal with that. Also in general, trans masc people reduce this dysphoria with binding, often either with chest binders or trans tape. The end result is a visually flatter, more masculine chest. For many trans men, the improved visual greatly alleviates dysphoria.

But of course, I had to go and be weird. 

Binding made my dysphoria worse. MUCH worse.

I am a very sensory-focused person. The physical sensation of interacting with the world can often be much more real to me than the visual aspect. And that physical sensation was where a lot of my chest dysphoria centered around.

Generally speaking, binding is not comfortable. You’re kinda smashing your chest lumps as flat as they can go and shaping them into something that more resembles pecs. It doesn’t necessarily feel great, on a sensory level. And for me, it made me VERY AWARE of my chest, ALL THE TIME. Without a binder, I could often just dissociate away from having an awareness of my chest, but that was completely impossible with a binder. 

And I tried binding for real, I really did. I got a proper, quality binder, I read up on the proper way to use them, I really tried my best. Repeatedly. All I got for it was misery. I was physically uncomfortable and hyper aware of my chest, and it did literally nothing to help other people see me as male because I looked too feminine in too many other ways for that one thing to change that. 

So I didn’t bind, because that was the right choice for me. I did get top surgery eventually, once my dysphoria was getting so severe and uncontrolled that I was actually wishing for extreme scenarios to happen that would end with my chest being gone. 

Looking back, I am a little sad that I had to spend so much of my life with a chest that I hated. I never wanted to grow breasts, and I can remember as a pre-pubescent child dreading the fact that I would eventually grow these things on my chest that I really didn’t want. 

Anyway, I really doubt I’m alone in my experience with binders, but this possibility doesn’t really seem to be talked about in trans masc spaces. There’s a common assumption that the way to deal with chest dysphoria is with binding. But that wasn’t my truth, and my truth is valid. 

I’m pretty sure (though I cannot be certain) that my experience with this is due to my being autistic and how that impacts my sensory sensitivity. 

So, since I want to talk about this but am struggling to come up with ideas – what would you like to read about? Do you have any questions about the experience of being both autistic and trans? If you do but are worried the question is too personal or invasive – it’s cool! I have total control over what blog posts I write or don’t, and if I decide something is too personal to answer, I just won’t. But also, you might just have a brilliant idea that would make an excellent blog post. So let me know!

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One response to “Binding made my dysphoria worse

  1. I personally found them sort of gender affirming, but they made my abdominal pain so much worse I stopped using them. Regardless, people still saw me as a female, most of the time…so…it didn’t help much. So I stopped.