Tag Archives: adult

How Do I Adult: Fixing Problematic Behavior

One thing I don’t see getting a lot of attention in terms of how to be an adult is learning to change our own behaviors, if we happen to have bad habits or such things. When we’re children we get a great deal of assistance (or pressure) from our parents/other responsible adults, but once we grow up that changes. We’re on our own.

Some people seem to treat adulthood as being somehow a “finished product,” we’re done developing now. I do not at all find that to be the case, at least not for me. I am a work in progress and I plan to be for the rest of my life. Other times I see people treating changing behavior as an adult as something that is somehow simple, not requiring a great deal of thought or effort. I have not found that to be true either. Habits and behaviors can get really quite engrained, and changing that behavior can be really quite challenging.

I am going to go through the process I use to change a behavior that needs changing. In order to have an example I’m going to pretend that I still suck my thumb, and I’ve decided that I need to stop.

1. Start noticing when I do it

Once I’ve identified a problematic behavior in myself, my first step is learning to notice when I’m doing it. This can be surprisingly challenging – the more ingrained a behavior is, the more likely it is that I will do it without thinking about it or even taking any sort of conscious notice. So this involves a great deal of watching myself and creating mental checkpoints to help alert me to the behavior. If I have good friends who are willing to help, it can be really quite helpful if they point out to me any time they notice the behavior, since I might not have. However, if you are going to ask for help this way, make sure you always respond graciously when the behavior is pointed out. Getting irritated or snippy will mess up the process. It might also help, if I am feeling particularly obsessive about it, to keep a log of when I find myself doing it.

Note: this step actually does not involve any amount of behavior modification at all. I am only trying to notice when it happens.

Once I am reasonably sure that I am noticing the behavior more often than not (trying to achieve perfection before moving forward is ultimately self-defeating), it’s time to move to step two.

2. Choose a replacement behavior

This step is incredibly important. Re-training a behavior will go far better than attempting to un-train a behavior. Plus, any ingrained behavior has a high probability of actually doing something for me, however maladaptive it ultimately is. So choosing a replacement behavior may involve figuring out why I’ve been doing the thing I need to change, so that I can choose a better, healthier behavior that will achieve the same end.

So if I suck my thumb, maybe I do it to deal with stress or sensory overload. Maybe I tend to stim with my mouth. If I were to just try to stop sucking my thumb without deliberately choosing a replacement, I would almost certainly replace it anyway. However, the replacement behavior might not be any better than the behavior I’m trying to change – maybe I would simply switch to clenching or grinding my teeth. That would just give me another behavior to try to change down the road. So instead, I must choose something else to do instead. Maybe I could chew gum, or suck on a lollipop, or get a fidget toy designed for mouth stimulation.

3. Start replacing

Now we finally get to the part where we start changing the behavior. Using the skills developed in step one, I will use my replacement behavior whenever I notice myself sucking my thumb. If I find it particularly difficult to consistently replace the behavior, I might focus on this step for a while. If I find it coming easily I may start on step four right away.

Regardless, much like step one, this step is also meant to be continuous. Hopefully each step will get easier as I keep doing it, but I do not stop working on it simply because I’ve added another step to the mix.

4. Notice the behavior ahead of time

This one is getting a little advanced. In this one, I try to start noticing when I am about to engage in the behavior, before I actually start doing it. If I kept a log in step one, it would probably become very useful now. This becomes about identifying patterns and noticing triggers – what’s causing me to suck my thumb? Is there anything that usually happens just before I get an urge to suck my thumb? What patterns can I find?

I also tend to find it the most challenging of all the steps. Often I will have started to notice ahead of time at least a little just in doing steps one through three, but managing it reasonably consistently is another matter entirely. Still, keep at it. This is how I ultimately eliminate a behavior, rather than simply correcting it when I see it.

5. Replace before it starts

Finally, once I am pretty good at noticing when I am about to suck my thumb, I would start engaging my replacement behavior before my thumb ever reaches my mouth. The end goal is ultimately to replace a bad habit with a good (or at least better) habit, so it is important to be consistent and to use the replacement behavior as soon as possible in each instance. The more I do it, the easier it will get.

In the end, I have eliminated a maladaptive behavior and replaced it with something healthier, without leaving myself with a hole in my coping mechanisms or focusing on “fighting” myself. If a behavior is particularly complex a straightforward replacement might not be enough – I may need to add extra coping mechanisms into the mix. Changing a behavior is unavoidably stressful, but if I can reduce that stress in any way, I will. Ideally the replacement will ultimately be more appealing than the problematic behavior was, though it may take time to get to that point.

What sorts of things do you do when you find a behavior you need to change?

Do you have any ideas for a How Do I Adult post? Let me know in the comments or through the Have an Idea? tab!


Filed under How do I Adult

What’s your goal?

To parents and teachers of autistic children;

Or really, to anyone who is working with autistic children, I want to ask you. What’s your goal?

I’m not talking about the various individual goals you may be working on at any given time. I know for myself I can really only choose a small number of things to work on at a time, which means a lot of picking and choosing. I’m talking about the over-arching goal. The long-term goal. The goal that helps you choose what to work on and what to let go.

This has been something that’s been burbling around for a while now, in my head. I lurk in a few different autism spaces (not because I’m trying to be creepy, I’m just really more of a lurker than a participator no matter where I am), and I see parents asking for help or advice about various challenges they are facing with their children. Sometimes those questions are good, and sometimes those questions leave me raising my eyebrows as to why, exactly, a parent is choosing to fight that particular battle. I’m talking about questions like how to stop a child from stimming, or how to force a child to do a thing that obviously hurts them, or how to make them want to socialize when they’d clearly rather read.

At first I was just going to write about how these are bad questions, but a recent conversation I had in yet another autism space gave me a new way to frame things.

A parent was asking about the ethics of autistic adults to teaching autistic children. I don’t really think they had a solidly coherent argument, but it was mostly apparently about how we have to make autistic children modify their behavior, and autistic adults have the same behavior so can’t teach the modifications. They also brought up the “blind leading the blind” analogy.

I thought that was interesting. I like metaphors, so let’s look at this blind leading the blind thing, shall we? Only lets change that to the blind *teaching* the blind. We live in a society that simply assumes people can see. All sorts of important information about getting around in the world is conveyed visually, and is thus difficult or outright impossible for a blind person to make use of. As a seeing person, I can never understand what it is like to navigate the world while blind. I can read about it, study it, listen to blind people who describe their experiences, but I can never ever really understand. Only another blind person can.

So who is best to teach a young blind person how to navigate the world while blind? Seeing people who cannot understand, or blind people who understand the challenges, make personal use of the tools at their disposal, and have been through the learning process that the child is going through?

Of course, maybe that’s not your goal. Maybe your goal is to make it so that the blind person simply doesn’t look blind. So that anyone who looks at a blind person won’t know that they are doing so and maybe feel uncomfortable. Of course, this goal is frequently incompatible with said blind person actually being able to independently navigate and live in our society. It would involve taking important tools away from them and leaving them dependent on sighted people in a way that shouldn’t be necessary.

It seems painfully obvious to me that the goal should be “learn to navigate the world while blind.” Saying otherwise is simply absurd.

So how come when it comes to autistic children, the goal is so often “don’t look autistic” rather than “learn to live in/navigate the world while autistic”? There will be times when these goals blur together a bit, but there are also plenty of times when they are diametrically opposed. If you have a goal to stop your child from flapping their hands, why is that? What over-arching life-goal does it fit into – being able to navigate the world while autistic, or simply looking not-autistic?

I really hope your goal is to teach autistic children how best to live in the world while autistic. I really hope that you understand what that means – including things like making sure they have the tools to do so, even if it means their autism is visible. It also means including autistic adults – people who know what it’s like, who have experiences in what works and what doesn’t work, people who have been there and done that.

Overall, it’s something I really hope you keep in mind when you work with autistic children. Someday that autistic child is going to be an autistic adult. What’s your goal?

Make it a good one.


Filed under rant