I want to talk a little bit about a thing that I really, truly struggle with. I live in the US, which is an extremely capitalistic society. Here in the US, your value is strongly equated to your income, in some sectors to the point that your income determines your morality (rich people are good regardless of what they do; poor people are bad regardless of what they do). Disability is often seen as a moral failing, and being too disabled to work is seen as either shameful or lazy.
I have been very open on my blog about the fact that I do not have a job or do work for an income, as well as the fact that any time I try to do so I end up profoundly Not Ok. What I am less open about is the fact that I feel incredibly deep shame around that fact. Nor has everyone around me been understanding of my difficulties in work. I’ve had second wave feminists tell me (back when I was presenting as a woman) that I should get a job Because Feminism with clearly no understanding of why I wasn’t working. I once had a therapist spend months trying to push me to get a job until she saw me being Not Ok and changed her mind.
Now, intellectually I don’t at all think that income means worth. I believe that everyone has worth, just by existing. I believe that everyone deserves food to eat, access to healthcare, and a reliable place to sleep and bathe regardless of who they are or how much money they have access to. I believe the role of society is to support everyone. I believe that there are many ways to contribute to society that don’t necessarily involve generating an income. In fact, given that “generating an income” relies on producing something that other people are willing to pay for, I’d say that there are MANY ways to help and contribute to society that don’t involve getting paid.
Yet despite these beliefs of mine, I have strongly internalized the idea that worth comes from generating income, which means that since I don’t generate income I must not have worth. I am constantly bombarded by the message that I need to work for money to have value as a human being – both from society at large and from people I am or have been close to (not everyone I’ve been close to, but definitely some of them). I frequently wonder what kind of income work I could do that wouldn’t leave me Not Ok. Something like working all by myself in some dusty basement doing archival work or something (ok, that one is less a practical idea and more a fantasy. ANYWAY).
I wish I had strong words of wisdom I could put out there for other people who feel like I do, but I don’t. All I have is 1) the firm belief that we all deserve to live, and thus deserve the things needed to live, regardless of our ability to produce an income, and 2) an internalized belief that because I do not generate an income I have less value than the people around me. It’s rough.