Whoa, I want to write about something!
Around one or two years ago, my therapist officially diagnosed me with PTSD, because Reasons I’m not going to get into here. It probably would have been C-PTSD, but that does not exist as a separate diagnosis in the DSM 5. So of course, the first thought I had was doubt. Do I REALLY have PTSD? What if I’m just faking it? What if I’m lying and I don’t realize it?
So my therapist sat down with me and we had a whole session where we just went through the DSM diagnostic criteria for PTSD to see how I fit. On a side note – wow, that was a lot. Multiple pages were dedicated to the various criteria. I had no idea the diagnostic criteria was so detailed! Anyway, by the end of the session it had become clear that I REALLY fit the criteria. Like, not just a little bit, not just barely scraping in or anything like that. I seriously, big time, holy crap fit it.
Which of course means I just found new ways to doubt myself. I’m so good at doubting myself. The diagnostic criteria for PTSD are largely behavior-based because that seems to be how the DSM works, but PTSD has an impact on the brain. Both in terms of brain structures and brain chemicals and just… you know, brain stuff.
Another thing that was becoming a big problem around this time was nightmares. I would have nightmares nearly every night and would wake up already in the middle of a panic attack, night after night after night. It was seriously disrupting my life. So I told my psychiatrist at my next appointment and she had me try a medication called Prazosin. It treats (among other things) PTSD associated nightmares.
HOLY WOW DID IT EVER HELP. The nightmares almost completely stopped, and when I did have them I no longer had that intense, panicky reaction. I was able to separate the nightmare from real life. What a relief! Also, hard to keep doubting my diagnosis now, right? This medication is really helping, and it’s for people with PTSD.
Well, any doubt I had left has been further demolished, as I learned what happens when someone who does not have PTSD tries this medication for nightmares. Apparently it does not help at all. AT ALL. If anything, it will make the person taking it feel much, much worse.
That is so fascinating to me. That means it’s impacting brain chemicals in a way that is beneficial to people with PTSD brain chemistry, but not non-trauma brain chemistry. Come to think of it, I should probably try to read the abstracts of some studies on this, because it really is extremely interesting. I want to know more about how PTSD impacts the brain.
In any case, the point is that my imposter syndrome is really struggling to find something to grab onto here. It would appear that my therapist knows what he’s doing and I haven’t just been lying to myself and everyone else and I really do have trauma. And PTSD.
I know the usual narrative would demand that readers feel sad for me that I have PTSD, but this is honestly a relief for me in so many ways. Much like how it was a relief to be diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome because of what it explained, it is a relief to know I have PTSD because of what it explains. Now I’ll just go back to my fantasy of getting my brain scanned to see if/how it’s different from a neurotypical brain. Might be fun!
Aspergers and Me 